Things I’d never say
I don’t know why I finally decided to put all my feelings and thoughts about you in writing. This might be long overdue, or maybe I don’t know, this may be what I need to finally get everything out in the open. Its been what, five months, still nothing feels “healed”. Even if you’re never going to read this and just for the record, I hope you never get to read this. It sucks, everything about you sucks. You’re the person I would never in a million years imagine I’d get involved with. It was obvious from the start our personalities were not compatible, we did not share the same values, not even taste in music or whatever but for some reason that did not matter. We were happy spending time with each other, you were getting what you wanted from me and likewise. I really don’t understand what it was that attracted me to you, I mean you were right when you said, I never saw us in that way, “together”. The first time I met you the only thing I could think about was how arrogant and self absorbed you were. I remember telling myself, this is the type of guy your cousins warned you about. to put it simply I knew you were BAD NEWS. Maybe it was that you were just really confident or maybe that you were sweet and thoughtful and caring. I don’t know, maybe it was that you were the first guy to really pursue me even if I was brushing you off. I’d like to think maybe it was just meant to be, that we were just meant to happen. Now that everything is as it is, I don’t know if I miss you, sometimes I think I do and then you do something that completely throws me off and makes me thank the heavens we were over before anything happened. Sometimes I think its easier to hate you, to reiterate in my mind everything about you thats wrong, maybe it would be easier not to fall apart every time I remember. stuff. People might not even think our story is all that. I mean, it didn’t even begin officially and all the things we shared, I’m pretty sure others have been through more than what we ever were. Still, whenever a memory flashes back or something reminds me of you, I fall apart. Inside. Yeah, walls crumbling, sick feeling, there is literally an ache in my heart where you used to be. And I find my self back to that confused lost girl who had no idea what to do or how to handle anything that came with you. Whenever I try to analyze what happened, I just get more confused and sad, but the end result is always the same. I am left with the feeling of what if. What if I did this, what if you did that, what if I just let go of my pride back then and made you feel just how much you meant to me. What if… But I know its too late now. I know that. I swear I. get. that. Still, it doesn’t make anything less painful.
Did you know that last year was the worst Christmas of my entire life because it was spent missing you and waiting for you to do something. Anything. I remember thinking what the hell, I swore I’d never cry over some stupid guy but there I was Christmas Eve, wishing you were happy wherever you were and that by some chance I cross your mind. It happened though, we texted that night and I remember fighting the urge to tell you I missed you so much. so much. I don’t think you will ever understand just how much I felt for you. I let my pride get the better of me that night. As always. Do you remember your induction, it was the night before that I realized maybe I was falling in love with you. Yes I used the word love. We weren’t okay before that day, our friend wasn’t sure if he was going to be there for the second semester and I felt so lost. I was thinking with him gone I would not be able to keep myself together. Everything will fall apart. Funny. By some wicked twist of fate everything did fall apart even if he stayed. I went to school early that morning, wanting to see you and tell you that I know you were there for me, that I don’t need to be scared because I know I could count on you to be there and that I don’t want to be scared anymore because its such a waste of time when I was so sure I wanted nothing more than for us to work. You were late that day and I went home. I knew you got the apples and that energy drink, I practiced what I was gonna say that morning, you know. Do you know that you can’t smile. It looks funny and weird. HAHAHA. You don’t know how to smile the normal way people do. You express emotion through your eyes. Well except when you’re being all physical, which is what usually happens. HAHA. If I wanted to see how you really were or how you were feeling, I’d look you straight in the eye and I’d know. I’d know. I miss that look you always gave me. Your eyes would glisten and I knew at that moment you were vulnerable. That I could get you to do anything I wanted HAHA but more importantly those moments were when you were most honest. Did you know that whenever I hear you laugh my heart would skip a beat. LAME. I know, but I’d get this aching feeling in my chest and I just found myself smiling whenever I’d here you laugh. I’d hear it, I tell myself, I want to be the reason for that. Always. All of these things, I never got to tell you. I have realized not saying anything was far worse. I will always regret not being brave enough to tell you all these.
I can’t bare the thought of you with another girl. I can’t. I just can’t. OH GOD I REALLY HOPE YOU NEVER READ THIS. I think and think, then think again. I’d be lying if I said I want you to be happy with her. I don’t want that. Maybe someday I will, but until then I won’t ask how you’re doing. Maybe its all just part of it. All the anger, regret, pain and the endless struggle are all part of moving on. I’m just thankful its gets less and less everyday. And I know soon, I’ll wake up and it will all be over.
P.S. If the world decides it hates me and you get to read this, don’t let it inflate your ego too much. I don’t want you back. You don’t deserve to know this and you sure as hell don’t deserve me. I’m sure you know that.
